sunshrouded | x IC INBOX

[because ghosts, honestly.

Ghosts.

And the fact that he is in agonizing, blinding pain, but at least he was able to cut that ghost. Except he's testing it, and he definitely can't hear anything, and also did he mention agonizing, blinding pain. cutting right to the chase--]

are you alright?

[... okay once he was capable of standing up, he staggered around the house, and Tenka was nowhere to be found, as far as he can tell. Which is...concerning.

Beyond concerning, really.]

where are you

Edited 2014-12-22 02:19 (UTC)

[...........maybe he's not actually okay. Which is also not actually okay.

He can't call. He can't hear anything. It'd be pointless.]

this isn't funny. answer me.

[...alright. Maybe something did happen to Tenka. If so, he...is going to have to hope that he can handle it himself until Sousei can find him--because he has no leads, and he's still not entirely steady on his feet. But he's sure going to try to find him--he has to check on Soramaru too, and Nishiki, but this is...

Not good.

At least text messaging seems a lot calmer than he actually is.]

when you get this, text me. calling is pointless. i can't hear anything.

[... okay. He has a lot of work to do, clearly.]

[The Kumous were never the one with the exorcist line and so Tenka wasn't capable of much at all when it came to fending off his ghost when it woke him up quite rudely. From there, he had a moment of wondering "Am I actually dead?" before noticing that his body was now moving on its own, set to leave not only his room but apparently the apartment.

Normal people would be worried about where their body might wander off to once it has a mind of its own but as soon as he realized he wasn't even able to come in contact with his own body, Tenka also let it sink in that if this happened to him, it could've happened to the rest of his makeshift family too - and as always, their well-being always came first to him.

So after he checked on Soramaru and Nishiki, it led him naturally to go to Sousei - just as he was typing up the third text. He calls out to him just as he did with the other two-]

Sousei!

[- and finds that his voice falls on deaf ears. (Literally, he realizes, once he reads over Sousei's message half an hour later as well.)

He tries again, this time to reach out to swat at Sousei's arm because at least in ghost stories as kids, people would feel a chill when a ghost passed through them right?

Except Sousei doesn't even flinch.

It leaves Tenka staring at his own hand for a moment, blinking slowly as it settles in. He can't tell if no one can hear him on top of not being able to see him or feel him. But without his body, without his ability to influence the world in front of him-

That helpless feeling sinks in again.]

... I want to tell you I'm okay. I want to tell you to stop worrying.

[But as Sousei walks out of his room, Tenka finds himself just sitting down on his partner's futon - right on top of the sheets and yet they don't even rustle.

Until now, Tenka never thought about what it might be like to truly be dead.]

[Tenka thought that being underground was the best way to lose all sense of time. Even worse than having no sun, there was no sky. Yet as he proceeded to wander aimlessly for the days without his body, occasionally checking in on his family and his partner and Shirasu and everyone else he cares about, finding that no one could really notice him anyway-

He'd never felt the world move past him quite so thoroughly before.

Tenka had always been self-satisfying, but never truly succeeded in being self-centered. Even when he walked down the path to be executed, put in handcuffs and trying to ignore the shocked and worried faces of the villagers around him, he'd thought that it'd be fine to watch his little brothers and their adventures from heaven. If he could just smile down upon them from past the grave, that'd be enough.

A few days of this made him realize that it was actually hell and that he'd been wrong beyond belief.

So instead, he continued to meander through the world, feeling more lost than ever before. Even if he was of no help to anyone, he still couldn't calm his restless spirit and genuine desire to assist others. Until this got fixed, he would still try-

If only because trying helped take his mind off thinking what might happen if this was never fixed.]

[When Tenka's finally back in his own body, it's not an exaggeration by any means to say that he feels like he can breathe again.

He checks the rooms - quietly - just to make sure that Soramaru and Nishiki are safe.

Then, he knocks on wood of the sliding screen that leads to Sousei's room.

. . . . and then he remembers that Sousei was deaf.

Oh.

So after a moment, wondering if he should prioritize manners over delivery of news, he then realizes that that's a really stupid question and then immediately enters into Sousei's room.

And nudges him with his foot.]

Wake up. For someone who was so worried about me all week, you're not doing a good job of keeping up with it....

[It's been a stressful few days to be sure. Between herding Tenka's body back into the house to make sure that he didn't do anything weird (and being exasperated by his own inability to perform exorcisms) and keeping an eye on the adopted kids amidst all of the ghost hunting and usual work--

Well.

He's ready for all of this to be over and done with, that's for sure. And it's not like having busted eardrums is all too much fun either.

Regardless, something causes him to stir even before Tenka's a dick and shoves him with his foot, but that's what wakes him up completely, and despite how tired he is, he sits up abruptly and immediately, on-guard suddenly-- until he realizes that it's Tenka.

For a moment, he blinks up at him, but...that's definitely Tenka, if he's waking him up like this, without any concern for propriety or manners.]

I did my part. You certainly didn't make it easy on me--

[...And that's when it registers that he can hear again (actually, his ears don't hurt at all), and slowly, he lifts a hand to one, as if in some surprise that it is that way.

Wow, it's definitely been a long couple of days. He's much more lost than he'd like to be right now. And it certainly doesn't help that he was just rudely awoken.]

[Tenka's honestly already snickering, amused as he is. Sousei's so grouchy when he wakes up and also much slower than usual. So you know what he's going to do? He's going to just close the screen door behind him and-]

Move over. I'm cold. Apparently the bastard that possessed me forgot that I like having two blankets when I sleep.

[- Welcome to Round 2 of Tenka inviting himself into your futon, Sousei.

Except even as he climbs in he's really not that cold at all. Even if Sousei wants to kick him out, he doesn't mind - he just missed the feeling of being able to having his actions affect things and other people. He finds himself wanting Sousei's warmth again but this time not for survival, but just because he wants to stop feeling so dead.]

[Why does this keep happening...they're not children anymore, Tenka!!! They don't fit properly like this, and he doesn't like to share his personal space, though as always, Tenka is the exception.

And Sousei normally would kick him out even so, but...he remembers the vacant look on Tenka's face, the vague, polite and completely un-Tenka-like actions and words he used. It was completely and totally wrong, and he's relieved that Tenka is acting more like himself now.

So Sousei looks exasperated, and doesn't lie back down--but he doesn't kick Tenka out, either.]

You're acting like a child again. [As always.....] ...Besides, that is not true.

[Tenka's body was something Sousei could take care of, if nothing else. He made sure that not!Tenka was warm and eating and resting properly and the like, even if it was exhausting and unnerving.]

[Tenka doesn't really say much to that, instead helping himself to the futon and the pillow and the blanket if Sousei's not going to use any of them. He's quiet again for a bit, but not vacant - quite the opposite. It's one of those moments where Tenka's emotions are in full force again and it feels as if he doesn't try to calm them or at least keep them from escaping, he might lose himself or expose himself too much.

Such was the concern when a being that feasted on negativity and internal chaos once dwelled in his cells. Old habits die hard.

So instead of addressing anything like that, he's instead just going to try to walk Sousei down the exact path of his own emotions - a way of distancing himself from them but also keeping his partner in the loops. He just hopes it works.]

Do you remember when we were kids, though? And when I had a nightmare I'd do this and you'd be so grouchy about it but...

[You never kick him out and he trusts you.]

Imagine a nightmare that lasts five days. And until the sixth morning, you never know if you're gonna wake up.

[It's enough to exhaust even his infallible cheerfulness - to make him question himself.]

[Sousei will remain seated then, a blanket over his lap if only in defiance of Tenka taking all of the blankets like he would as a kid. In a way, he's savoring listening to him--he can hear the tone of Tenka's voice, the shift as he muses out his emotions, and it's so much better than the void of silence that he'd been dealing with for the past week.

Idly, he drums his fingers along the floor beside him. In most people, that would be a nervous habit, or a thinking one. For him, he's listening, and even a sound as quiet as that is satisfying, isn't it?

Everything really is back to normal now. And while he has no idea what Tenka went through, in that nightmare of his with his body possessed, he knows that now that they're back to normal, it'll probably be okay.]

...Yes, I remember.

[And again, he couldn't bring himself to kick Tenka out, huh......... this is not the life he chose.]

What happened to you? [Even now--well, he has guesses, but he's not sure.] I am aware your body was taken by a ghost.

[But aside from that, what happened to Tenka?]

[At first, Tenka turns his face into the pillow, as if he'd rather not talk about it. Because in truth, he really would rather not talk about it. He remembers his body being in excruciating pain from experiments, he remembers his heart being torn apart as he kneeled in front of his father's grave, he remembers the retreating backs of every single last one of the Yamainu-

Now this place has given him the memory of five days where his partner, his best friend, and even his own brother didn't respond to him. Not his voice, not his touch, nothing. It didn't matter that Sousei took care of his body because that wasn't him. His mind and influence were still gone.]

... I thought I'd hate not being able to use my left side.

But you couldn't hear my voice. No one could feel it when I reached out to them or grabbed their arm - my hand just went straight through. No matter what I tried, no one could actually even know I was there.

[He glances up at Sousei then, smile tugging at the edge of his lips.]

I followed you for most of the five days when I wasn't yelling at whatever prick had Soramaru's body, but I guess I was right. You couldn't even tell.

[...Tenka was there the whole time. For a moment, the look on Sousei's face is legitimately surprised. He doesn't show that sort of surprise often, but...he'd really had no idea that Tenka had been stuck there, watching the rest of them go about their lives, unable to get to a single one of them.

(A treacherous part of him notes that that's what Tenka had been prepared to do before, when he'd been willing to give himself up.

But Sousei suspects that he's very aware of that now himself.)

"You couldn't even tell", Tenka says, and he's right--Sousei's a bit of a sad excuse for an Abe, if he can't even tell when a ghost is out and about and haunting him. He definitely couldn't have done anything about it. How pitiful. One time when Tenka would have accepted help, and clearly wanted it, and Sousei couldn't do a damned thing.]

... I see.

[It's not his fault it happened, he knows. But nonetheless, that "you couldn't even tell" sticks with him. He's not one for apologies, but--]

You are correct. I could not sense you at all. I did not know you were there. ...Nor would I have been able to help you even if I could have.

[For that much...]

I am sorry for that.

Don't be stupid - it's nothing for you to apologize for.

[It's not hard for Tenka to get a guess at Sousei's thoughts. After all, when Taiko had introduced them, Tenka's first thought was "Abe? The onmyouji familiy?" and yet Sousei had never thought to try to take up their techniques as shamans. Yet those very techniques likely would've been helpful during this and might've spared Tenka some heartache.

But Tenka knows just as well as anyone that heartache is just part of growing.]

I learned something in all the time I had to myself.

[By himself. And yet... he refuses to be bitter about it.

It was hard, it was grueling, and he is shaken. For once in his life, he was more than truly alone. He didn't have his family, the villagers, not even Hirari and his doctor to keep him company in his pain.

Yet during all of Tenka's hardships before, he would constantly strive for the sake of others. For his brothers, for the villagers, for the people who cared about him, he would keep on living. Seeing all the people he cared about keep moving on, somehow still managing even though he was clearly not himself and his own light diminished from the world, he wondered:

Why does it still hurt?

His hands cover his face as he laughs, voice thick with emotion.]

I don't want to be a friendly ghost that haunts the people I love.

I want to be a part of their lives for as long as I can.

[And slowly, he takes in a deep breath, because for a moment, it truly did feel hard to breathe. Tenka dismisses his guilt as easily as that (as easily as Sousei had dismissed his leaving of the Yamainu once he knew why), and it just feels right that way. That is...how it should be. There is some lingering guilt, of course; he was basically useless during that mess, and that's painful to admit, and he wouldn't have been had he picked up his family's techniques--

But that is not what matters right now.

What matters, is that finally, Sousei can believe Tenka. Tenka said two times before that he didn't want to die, that he had no intentions of it, but it was hard to accept. After all, he'd given up so easily. He'd been ready to allow himself to be executed, and to leave everyone behind--to go to a place where none of them could follow, and Sousei knew he would be alone.

He'd tried warning him then, but he had not listened.

But now, listening to this... it's painful, in a way, but it's honest and sincere too. These are Tenka's true feelings. He saw what it was like to be separated, and unable to be a part of his loved ones' lives. And now...Sousei really believes that it's enough. Slowly, like when they were children, he lies back down next to Tenka, claiming part of the pillow back, staring thoughtfully at the ceiling.

They'd talked like this, when Tenka had had nightmares and Sousei had gotten over the grumpiness of being woken up. He remembers.]

...Good. Don't forget this feeling. There is not a single person who wishes you out of their lives. [Not even Shirasu--or he'd find it easier to deny and avoid Tenka. But he'd asked instead if Tenka was okay, and so...even Shirasu.]

...Be certain to be a part of them for so long as you are able.

[Tenka is not prone to crying.

Despite all the times he'd encourage Soramaru and Chuutarou to cry - to let their emotions run wild and feel everything that they needed to feel because there was no weakness in being human - he never took the time to cry after his parents had died. Even in the pain, he would refuse to shed tears.

Except on the day of his execution, in which he allowed himself to shed a tear over accepting his death.

Except on this morning, in which he can't quite help himself in shedding tears because he now he refuses his death.

When he laughs, there is sadness in his voice. It never hit him what death would be like until he experienced a very close replica of it. It was a life without being able to laugh with his brothers, without being able to mess with Sousei, without being able to do everything that he clung onto so desperately for so long. He'd worked so hard and then let it all be taken away.

Now he refuses to let it happen.

Despite everything, he still laughs, despite the sadness in his voice.]

I'm not going anywhere.

[He wipes off the trail of the tear as he brings his hands down from his face and as he rolls over onto his stomach so that he can push himself up and look Sousei in the face, it's as if he wasn't crying at all.]

Except home, that is. We'll all make it back before Chuutarou even notices we're gone.

[As if he wasn't crying at all, but Sousei knows him better than that. But then, there's no shame in tears. That is something they both believe, something they were both taught by Tenka's parents. Even if Sousei struggles to emulate it, even if Tenka tries so hard to show only a smiling face, they both learned and believed--there is no shame in feeling emotions like a human being.

He knows, but he does not bring it up, shifting his gaze instead from the ceiling (unfamiliar still, even after a few months) to Tenka's face (familiar, even after ten years).

Sousei's starting to think it won't be so easy as that. He's starting to realize that they're going to be in a great deal of trouble when it comes to getting home. This fiasco....is only the beginning of things going wrong. But this isn't the time or place for half-baked, paranoid theories.

Instead, he arches an eyebrow at Tenka, because it is still a ridiculous hour, and Tenka did still wake him up.]

Lie down, if you insist on taking up room.

[He knows Tenka's feelings now on this--and he accepts them. Tenka isn't going anywhere. Finally, finally, he can believe it...and it's a relief indeed.]

We have plenty to do before that, but it will be easier now that these problems have been resolved. [His deafness, Tenka's incorporeal status........ maybe the ghosts in general??

... Have they been resolved? He can hear again, but--]

Are you alright now? [That's...a question that covers a lot of ground, isn't it...]

I'll lie down and suffocate you.

[It's kind of an immediate response but even then, Tenka does eventually flop back down instead of supporting his weight, still oriented so that he's face down with his head turned toward Sousei. Technically he's a guest in this bed.... and he'd kinda tired so it's probably the only reason why he's bothering to listen.

But this is still easy. They're far too old for this now - this nonsense of sharing beds and going to each other after nightmares and yet it's one of the most natural things that Tenka can think of. This is comfortable and he doesn't want to get up.

At the question though.... he hums.]

I miss my brothers.

[It's practically a state of being when it comes to Tenka but especially after not having command of his body for five days, it's especially harsh. All he wants to do is pull both Soramaru and Chuutarou into a hug but even now, that's impossible.

But at least he's being honest.]

How about you? Shirasu said some pretty mean things.

[Oh yeah, by the way, he was there for the catfight.]

[He's going to kick you out of bed at one point, he really is. They are way too old for this nonsense now--

But not yet. The conversation is too important, and he doesn't intend to cut it short. So he nods thoughtfully at that response, unsurprising as it is, and relaxes. Of course Tenka misses his brothers. It's a given--but it's still good that he's willing to legitimately say so.

Soramaru is here, and back, and hopefully also back to normal now like Tenka... but Chuutarou is not yet here, and that's difficult.]

We will return to Chuutarou properly in time.

[... ... ... of course, then there's that, and it registers for Sousei just what "I was following you around" means. Of course he was there. Sousei stiffens only a little, to his credit, and shifts his gaze away from Tenka again, eyes narrowed.]

... I'm fine. What he thinks does not bother me.

[Mostly true, honestly. There are other things that bother him, but Shirasu being a dick is one of those things that's just a given at this point.]

I know that.

[Tenka's goal ever since he arrived was to get back to his brothers. Now that he's heard from Soramaru that apparently that they'll be victorious in the end and there won't be any problems.... it's better. But the doesn't mean that he's used to such a quiet house. Even with Soramaru and Nishiki, it's not as lively without their youngest brother running around and having adventures.

So his response is as simple as that. They'll get back. They have to. Now that Tenka refuses to die, he is entirely set on being able to carry his youngest brother on his shoulders again.

. . . . but more importantly, the issue of Sousei and and Shirasu. Tenka keeps his gaze on Sousei then, even as he looks away. There's no denying that a sigh escapes him then.]

Sousei...

[It's just a name, grumbled rather disapprovingly, and yet Tenka thinks that it says basically everything that he wants to.

Mostly true isn't gonna cut it. And a simple "I'm fine" isn't enough for him either.]

[...Wow, that's a disapproving tone. It's a tone he hasn't heard from Tenka since...he stopped him from eating part of his dinner the other day.

Yeah, sounds about right.

Regardless, despite everything, it's still a relief. Tenka the ghost would not have said his name in such an exasperated tone. He would not have said his name at all, admittedly, but certainly not like this. This is 100% Tenka, irritation and irritating habits and all, and it's more of a relief than Sousei would probably like to admit to.

So he can't quite help the way his eyes slide shut, even as his lips quirk slightly into a more amused expression. No, the issue with Shirasu is certainly still a Problem, but... he's relieved, even so.]

I intended to assist him. He did not want my assistance. [Sousei's glad Tenka wasn't there for the bitchy phone call Shirasu jacked either. "Can you do something about it, Abe no Sousei-san" still smarts, a little, despite how much he'd prefer it not to get under his skin.] He does not trust me, and has no reason to.

[After all, he did destroy everything for him, presumably...

But Sousei you're just rehashing what Tenka already saw......]

Sooouuuseeeeiiiiiii.

[Don't worry Sousei, the ghost wouldn't have said your name like that either which is to say - the same grumbling and exasperation as earlier but this time with extended vowels. Because yeah no, that's exactly what Tenka saw and he's getting absolutely nothing new out of it? He already told you that he was there for the entire thing - this is hardly a surprise to him thus far.

And because being a ghost also meant not being able to interact with the physical world, it also means that Tenka's even quicker to abandon his concerns with the physical boundary between him and Sousei that showed up after ten years. So he's reaching out to swat at his shoulder first before actually shaking him a bit. Stop closing your eyes, start paying attention to him.

Though admittedly Tenka's expression is just more frowning and something in his eyes that's also wondering "what the hell are you smiling about?"]

[Yeah, you're not getting that out of him at the moment, Tenka. Instead, Sousei does pry open his eyes, because as fond as he is at this moment, and as glad as he is that Tenka is back to normal--

The shaking and the drawn out name are both really irritating nonetheless.

He arches an eyebrow.]

...We are not going to get along. [And he's certainly not going to apologize for that one. It's not his fault. He's not nice to Shirasu, no, but he doesn't go around provoking him first, okay.] I'm not sure what more you want to hear.

I know that you're really bad at having emotions but they definitely exist.

[Which is to say that he heard a lot of other things in the conversation with Shirasu - which was to say that Shirasu was picking exactly at the fact that Sousei didn't know any onmyouji skills. Something that Sousei admitted was bothering him just earlier in the conversation. Maybe Tenka didn't hear the bit on the phone but it's a little hard to misunderstand 'ineffectual flailing'.

He's not Kiiko - he's never been instinctively protective over Sousei and his pride.

But for some reason, when it's Shirasu, Tenka feels all the more motivated to make sure that none of it actually bothered Sousei.]

He knows how to hit where it hurts - so I'm gonna ask again. Are you okay? I told you that it's not a big deal if you can't smell ghosts or whatever the Abe do.

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