sunshrouded | x IC INBOX

[ Pushes his hair off his face, his stomach feeling like it wants to turn. ]

Of course.

[ The accusation still stings, and indignation that threatens to surface. But he tightens his jaw and lets it go. But gods, he's tired, unsure what he's really doing anymore. ]

How did this happen to so many people? [ He saw a lot of people acting oddly. He thinks of his encounter with Kirijo, who'd gone from flirty and cheerful to almost afraid of what she'd been doing. ]

Edited (made the tag better, yes.) 2015-01-28 12:01 (UTC)

I couldn't tell you. But so many people acting not like themselves.... I think it's the worst to make people do things against their will.

[Even if they don't know it's against their will - how many times did he have to try to spare Shirasu or Sousei's pride and completely fail this week because they weren't acting like themselves?

Either way, it gets Tenka to shake his head.]

I really don't get this place at all sometimes.

[ . . . though his answers just don't have as much fight as they normally would. He sounds determined, of course he does. But after the past few days.... still hearing that his ancestor died somewhere in the chaos doesn't exactly come as uplifting news.]

[ Shirasu sits quietly for a few moments, sorting through his thoughts. Tenka said nothing but harming his family would be burdensome, but Shirasu still decides against telling him about the rest of his misadventures right now. Maybe he'll never go into them. Honestly, he'd rather forget.

The tea in the pot has grown cold, so he stands to make a new one. Easier to have something to do. ]

Two things weren't so bad. I didn't get to tell you before everything started that I invited Lily to have tea with us.

[ . . . . . . . .

Honestly Tenka can withstand a lot but when he turns his gaze to Shirasu now, it's bewildered and mildly hurt. Even he has limits.]

You want to talk about tea with Lily-chan after you told me that you killed Kagemitsu-san?

[ That's... not what he expected. His hands still in making the tea. ]

I'm sorry. [ Is this what it's going to be like now? Where one moment they're so familiar it hurts, but the next they couldn't be further apart... ]

I thought... it would be helpful to talk about something positive.

[Positive - right. And normally, Tenka's fine with brushing things under the rug. It's what he's done for years - but also that pain wasn't nearly so raw. He wasn't talking to the person who murdered his parents and more recently assisted in the murder of his ancestor.

That happened last night.]

Helpful to.... who?

[Him? Shirasu? Are they supposed to just brush this under the rug too and go back to laughing and smiling?

Maybe tomorrow, Tenka could do that.

But it's still too fresh right now for him to plaster a smile and play nice with Shirasu right now.]

[ Himself, of course. The incident with Kagemitsu wasn't his fault, Tenka seems to accept that. That had been his concern, it had been addressed, so it's best to move on. Isn't it?

Also it would help Tenka, seeing as how even with him, the man liked to derail painful topics with other, brighter things. Perhaps to come back to it later, or seem to ignore it completely. That Tenka didn't take that bait is confusing. ]

I don't know. [ He doesn't know what Tenka wants to hear. ] Both of us, maybe.

[Tenka doesn't know what he wants to hear either.

But talking about tea with Lily, a girl that he's adopted into his family and promised to cherish and care for, with the man who let Chuutarou get kidnapped and allowed Soramaru to become the Orochi and killed his parents and assisted in the death of Kagemitsu -

It brings out every concern that Tenka's had with Shirasu, which is not that Shirasu might hurt him. No, Tenka thinks it would take a lot for Shirasu to hurt him.

Lily, on the other hand - Tenka doesn't want her to be lured into a false sense of hope with Shirasu that's perpetuated by Tenka, only for Shirasu to turn on her later.

Following on the news of Kagemitsu's death, those thoughts are all too fresh.

So he just smiles softly then - one that doesn't reach his eyes.]

Ah. [And slowly, he moves to stand.] .... I'm gonna go home and check on Sousei, Shirasu. I shouldn't stay long anyway.

[ Shirasu wonders if the Yamainu captain had gotten into similar trouble, or if Tenka's simply being protective. Unlike Tenka, Sousei had left him to his own devices these past days, save for the order to stay away from Tenka and Soramaru.

That is not going to happen, now that the strangeness has passed. Unless Tenka chooses that option.

Shirasu doesn't see the smile, though he can hear how paper-thin it is in Tenka's tone. He continues looking down at the tea pot, watching the leaves steep past their time, turning the brew bitter. ]

Should I have not told you?

[Tenka finds his feet though at the question, his answer is quick:]

No. I appreciate that you told me.

[Because it's one less thing that he's in the dark about - and he's gotten very, very tired of being in the dark about legitimately everything. Regardless, he's still sighing and trying to figure out how explain to Shirasu.]

... You've lost family, haven't you?

It's not something you can sweep under the rug in 5 minutes. [An empty laugh-] I've tried.

[ Perhaps Tenka can't, but that's what Shirasu has done all his life. Even now, his brother's death feels like half of him has been carved out. But in the moments after it happened, Shirasu had pushed it aside. Only after surviving the fall, in the tiny window before his clan had found him, had he given it any real thought.

The tea has turned a distinctly unappetizing rust color. ]

... I've done it. But I know you're different. [ Or, rather, he's different. ]

[Tenka glances at Shirasu then.

It's a loaded question - and yet he asks it with a smile.]

You lost me and swept me under the rug in five minutes?

[They're still family.

Tenka died in front of Shirasu's eyes.

That was easy to forget too?]

[ Quietly. ] Of course not.

[ Since the Orochi's defeat had yet to happen for Tenka, he could only be talking about the day he died. Shirasu may not admit it out loud, but that had been one of the most difficult days he can remember, along with the days afterward. ]

It's not about forgetting. [ It's about smothering all feelings associated with the incident and moving on as soon as possible. Shirasu sighs and pushes his hair back from his face, finally looking in Tenka's direction. ] It's about trying to not feel anything. To be numb.

Edited 2015-02-21 23:30 (UTC)

[ . . . . and that just get Tenka to frown-]

If you don't feel anything when you lose someone... isn't that like ignoring how much they meant to you?

[Trying to explain this is... difficult, but his brow furrows as he smiles sadly.]

I never thought I would meet the first head of my family. We didn't get along right off the bat, but.... Kagemitsu-san is a very kind person. He gives out hugs and laughs a lot. If I didn't let myself feel sad about losing him.... it'd be like saying that I don't miss him.

I'm tired of having to pretend that I don't feel sad when I lose people important to me.

No. It means no one can use them against you. [ In a twisted way, it makes perfect sense to him. It's why he never talks about his brother, his mother; only rarely talks about Tenka and his brothers. Aside from a handful of bittersweet years, he spent his life pretending to be an only child. Hiding his brother from the clan, then from the Kumou. Then he spent nearly ten years trying to hide his attachment to the Kumou family from his brother. Somewhere he'd slipped, though, and brought his brother enough anxiety to cause a suicidal attempt to get rid of Tenka.

And even here, he can't guard himself against people well enough. The Yamainu captain getting under his skin, Tenka digging in even further. Total strangers like Lily and Mary earning more affection -- though faint -- than he'd ever intended. ]

But I'm sorry for trying to change the subject. [ Tenka's way of doing things is rarely Shirasu's first inclination. But at least, when dealing with the other man, he'll have to remember his old mask; his old way of adapting to whatever Tenka wanted. That was the best route, wasn't it? ]

It's fine....

[That much is forgiven. Tenka doesn't blame Shirasu - it's what they did for years. Anything that was too sad, Tenka was willing to brush under the rug. Even here, he only allows himself moments of weakness with Sousei and otherwise tries to maintain a strong facade. It just so happens that losing Kagemitsu was far too soon for him--

And more importantly, he can't help his concern.]

Who's out to hurt you here, Shirasu?

[Because he's concerned. He cares, even when he knows that he might be better off not letting his feelings get the better of him - he still doesn't want to lose Shirasu.

He's tired of losing people and letting them get hurt.]

[ And there's the protectiveness and interest in others' well being that is so typical of Tenka. Something that, given how things are, Shirasu doesn't really know what to do with. ]

I'm not aware of anyone. [ Though he still needs to smooth things over with the pair of Shinsengumi captains he had been sent after yesterday. Hopefully, neither is the revenge-at-all-costs type.

But that's just at the moment.

Then why are you so worried about showing your feelings if you don't have any enemies?

[Tenka doesn't get it.

The only emotion he hides is sadness and that's to spare others from feeling the brunt of his own burden - but if Shirasu's worried about others manipulating him and yet he has no enemies here.... what's the issue?]

[ Well, there is the part where he ritualistically killed most of them off before he was ten...

But this is why Tenka is attractive and also exasperating. His openness and willingness to trust was a blessing when Shirasu had needed to exploit it. But those same qualities also frustrate him because they leave Tenka vulnerable to people like him. Yet he'd never call Tenka weak for constantly exposing himself to the possibility of being hurt. Really, he'd much rather protect him from it. He'd told Botan the truth, way back when. ]

Because of the two people I've ever trusted, one of them is dead. [ In as much as he trusts anyone. In the end, he had hidden things from his brother, as well. ]

A Fuuma ninja's nature is to see enemies everywhere.

[ . . . . . Tenka frowns at that, shaking his head faintly.] So it's a Fuuma's nature to lie to himself?

You're making enemies out of people who are as good as Chuutarou or Soramaru, Shirasu.... [Tenka can't help but smile a bit as he talks about his brothers - even in this context. But it's true, there hasn't been anyone in Cerealia that even raises any red flags for him yet. They're all as pure-hearted and earnest as his brothers in some cases and the idea that Shirasu would be wary even around them...

Isn't that just sad?]

I think you could stand to try to make a friend or two, you know.

[ Shirasu's expression turns rueful, and he shakes his head. He'd had friends once upon a time, before his predecessor had killed them for stepping out of line. Then the clan had overtaken the need to replace them. He'd had a sort of family in the Kumou, but the clan had come before them as well. ]

Thank you, but I have my brother. [ The mask sitting on the table, the weight in his heart.

At one time, maybe, he would have added "and you", but the truth is far too complicated to say such a thing now. ]

And me.

[Tenka adds it for him.

It's with remarkable firmness that the words leave his mouth, but he doesn't hesitate at all. Their relationship is complicated and Shirasu just aided in killing off Tenka's ancestor, but that was the fault of this place in the end. Shirasu's own betrayal still weighs heavily in Tenka's heart, marking the loss of his best friend and confidant. So there are things that he's genuinely wary to trust Shirasu with now--

But if Shirasu ever needed him, he would come running.

Shirasu will always have Tenka.

Whether either of them like it or not.]

[ The assertion is humbling and still somewhat bewildering. Shirasu is still unsure whether that is best for either of them, but once Tenka makes up his mind... ]

Thank you, Tenka.

[ For what it's worth, the reverse is true, though he wouldn't fault Tenka for taking that with a grain of salt. ]

I shouldn't keep you. You said you had others to tend to.

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